Making a relationship work in a medical career isn’t easy. Between long working hours, studying demands, not a lot of extra time, and (sometimes) long-distance relationships, a career in medicine can certainly strain our relationships.
My husband and I got married just before I started medical school and have been married for more than a decade. We certainly are not experts, but here are some things that have helped us through school, training, early parenthood, and beyond.
1. Celebrate each other’s wins. Whether your partner is in medicine or not (mine isn’t), find ways to celebrate their big and small victories. It may be a promotion, a house project, an email from a boss that sings their praises, their choice to take a different career path, or a decision to go to therapy—whatever the win is, celebrate it. If you take time to celebrate their wins, they will celebrate yours, too.
2. Respect the other person’s quirks. We are all particular about some things. My husband, for example, likes to be among the first people to board an airplane. He likes to have room for overhead luggage, settle in his seat, and relax. This means that 20 minutes before the boarding time, he likes to stand up and get ready. For years, I didn’t understand this and used to be frustrated, but now I know this about him and realize this is his “thing,” and I try to respect it. I am odd about some things, too. I don't like being on hold on the phone (probably all those years doing peer-to-peers, right?), so he’ll handle issues with customer service. Once you figure out your partner’s quirks, respect them and be accommodating, even if it means more work or inconvenience to you.
3. Appreciate what your partner is contributing. After a long day at work, it can be hard to come home and have any energy left. If you direct that energy to anything, make it be gratitude to your partner. Thank them for what they contribute—income, time, and effort caring for children or the home, grocery shopping, meal prep, providing emotional support, planning a trip, organizing a date night, and visiting your family. Whatever it is, take time to appreciate those things. What people often need most is to be seen, valued, and appreciated for what they are contributing.
4. Make an intention of who you want to be with your partner and family. One of my goals in life is to have a deep presence when I’m with others and fill these moments with love, peace, and joy. Tangibly, this looks like slowing down (my breathing, my actions), making eye contact, and focusing on listening. This also means showing interest in what the other person is saying, asking follow-up questions, and validating their emotions. Before I walk through the door to my home, I remind myself of how I hope to interact with my family.
5. Over-communicate. If your partner is not in medicine, they don’t really know what your schedule in training or beyond is really like. They don’t know what an ICU rotation looks like vs. an outpatient one. They don’t understand what it means when it’s your turn to cover inpatient consults as an attending. They may not understand what it means to study for boards (or that this is a multiple-month-long study process). It’s better to use clear language and over communicate. I often tell my husband, “This week will be busier than usual. I’m going to have more demands, and I'll likely be more stressed. I won’t have much capacity to do as much at home.” It helps them to have some heads up on what is coming and why.
6. Ask for what you need. You may not even know what you need, but try to recognize what you need and communicate it to your partner. Maybe it’s a hug. Being listened to for a while. A bath or hot shower by yourself. Perhaps you need a walk. Maybe it’s medicine for a headache or to eat a meal. Perhaps you need to hear the words, “You’re doing a good job.” Maybe you need a moment to yourself. Whatever it is you need, keep your partner in the loop and overcommunicate. And respond to them when they express their needs to you, too. Remember that none of us are mind readers.
7. Try to love their family as your own. In-laws can be one of a partnership's most wonderful (or most challenging) parts. Your partner’s perspective of what is “normal” in a family or relationship can vastly differ from yours, depending on your background and upbringing. Understanding and adjusting to these differences can be very challenging. As much as possible, discuss what was “normal” for them growing up and why. Also, take some time getting to know their families (it will also help you understand why they are the way they are). When you understand a person and know them, it helps you to have empathy when you face challenges and find ways to truly love them. And it enables you to grow as a person, too.
8. When you have time, try to spend it with them. The most precious resource in medical school and residency is time. There never seems to be enough of it. I remember rushing through days and rushing home so I could spend whatever moments I could with my family. Sometimes, it’s hard to be present after rushing through a day. Sometimes, you need some alone time to process and cope. For me, I often say hello, then take about 10-15 minutes to change my clothes and decompress, then make an intention to be present with my family after this time.
9. Avoid doing anything “extra” during stressful periods. We all know what the hard parts of school, training, and practice can be: Big exams, transitions to new rotations or new roles, specific rotations (ICU, night floats, overnight call), inpatient service weeks as an attending, dealing with a medical error or malpractice lawsuit, processing through a particularly difficult patient death, personally dealing with a medical condition, being postpartum or having a young child, or caring for aging parents… all of these things are hard especially if multiple things are happening at once. I recommend limiting the things you say yes to, especially during these times. Don’t take on extra house projects, decide to give yourself added deadlines, or take a stressful trip that requires additional planning in the months surrounding stressful things.
10. In the moments you may struggle to love them, recall a mental picture of them as a child. We will all experience hurt in our relationships. We will face hardship. We will fight. We may say things we don’t mean and do things we wish we could take back. These are the things that end many relationships. (And if your relationship has ended, you are not a failure). It can feel impossible to repair damage after a deep wound is inflicted. However, there is something I’ve found helpful, and this may sound strange, but it can help to recall a picture of your partner as a child when you feel hurt. Remember that they have their own wounds, their own struggles, and their own vulnerabilities. Try to find a way to forgive them and love them unconditionally to help find a way forward. Understandably, this is not always possible. But forgiveness can heal, and unconditional love can repair our relationships in profound ways.
11. If you need some time alone, say so. This is especially true if you have a young child. This is particularly true if you’ve been caring for that child all day or if they are having a tantrum. Have a system to “tap out” when needed. For us, it’s just saying, “I need a minute.” Then the other person takes over, and we get a moment to ourselves to go for a walk, go to a separate room, or take a few breaths. This allows us to collect ourselves and be better people when we jump back in.
12. Take time to laugh, play, and be silly together. One of the most therapeutic things can be to belly laugh with the people we love. You might choose to watch a show together or talk. Maybe you remember a fun experience you shared in the past. Maybe it’s an inside joke. When you bring the intention of humor and joy to a relationship, it’s more likely that you’ll find humor and joy. Fun is often a byproduct of connection, presence, and intention. Find ways to have fun together. What has been fun in the past? What things do you enjoy together? Keep finding ways to make the other person laugh, ideally each day. This is healing and can help, especially on the hard days.
I hope these tips are helpful to you. Sending you peace as you navigate through a career in medicine and the hope that you can protect your relationships in the process, too.