Published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology
October 2024
I kept her family holiday card tucked into the side pocket of my black briefcase for a year and 3 months after she died. I carried it back and forth to the office each day, never viewing it but with a deep awareness of its presence. It was a transitional object, my therapist said. I took it with me for reasons that were not logical or even fully clear to me—perhaps part of me thought if I kept it in that dark space, then maybe her death was not real, after all.
Death is not new to me. Much of my work as a GI oncologist is palliating my patient's symptoms and helping them navigate the end of life.
But she was not supposed to die. She was a vibrant, kind person, and I was treating her for a potentially curable condition. A team was assembled, a tumor board discussion was held, and a comprehensive plan was derived from published clinical trials and national guidelines. She was on track to finish chemotherapy and recover. She was meant to have decades more with her husband and teenage children.
This is what gnawed at me—death out of place.
Read the full article here: https://ascopubs.org/doi/10.1200/JCO-24-01904